Southern Humorists - Humor from S.D. Youngren

Christmas merrier when it's safe

Every holiday has its hazards, though this Christmas season has been a relatively uneventful one in Louden Flat. Most of the accidents we've had have been the expected kind, such as falling off ladders and getting scratched by holly, both of which mishaps I warned you about in previous columns. There are, of course, a few exceptions:

* A 47-year-old woman was slightly injured in a family dispute over cranberry sauce. “I wanted jellied and he wanted whole-berry,” explained Candy Yams. “I hate whole-berry.”

The dispute between Yams and her 49-year-old brother, Aldo Trimmings, escalated into a food fight that ended only when a biscuit hurled by Trimmings struck Yams' nose. “She wasn't hurt bad,” Trimmings said. “She wouldn'ta been hurt at all if she could make a decent biscuit. That sucker was like a rock.”

“It was not!” Yams objected.

An aunt, Lotta Grub, said, “I think it's time they outgrew this kind of thing.”

* Real mistletoe berries are toxic, but as 23-year-old Ralph Ittup discovered, the plastic ones shouldn't be swallowed either. “I was just showing the kids what not to do,” Ittup explained. “Like, that the real ones are poisonous. They looked so little,” Ittup said. “I never thought one would get stuck.” But it did, and family members, after some unsuccessful attempts to dislodge the artificial berry, had to call in paramedics to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on Ittup in front of half-a-dozen horrified youngsters.

“It was totally cool,” said eight-year-old Mercy Less.

* And finally, a man dressed as Santa Claus was bitten December 24th while attempting to steal a reindeer from a local petting zoo, but Louden Flat Sheriff Guy Nabb says that children are not to worry.

“Christmas will go on next year as usual,” he said, “just as it did this year. We don't know who this guy is yet, but he isn't Santa. Or if he is, his helpers did a heckuva job.”

The man was bitten while trying to lead a reindeer from its pen at the Beast Wishes Petting Zoo. “The reindeer didn't want to go with him,” said petting zoo manager and animal handler Bunny Hopper, who refused to “invade the reindeer's privacy” by disclosing the animal's name. “I guess it didn't like him.”

The man was taken to the emergency room for treatment, but hospital staff declined to reveal the nature of his injuries. “Let's just say he's not too jolly,” said spokesman Peter Payne.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

U. B. Ware's Safety Nut feature appears Wednesdays and Saturdays in the Bugle, except last week when he was indisposed

* * * * *

S. D. Youngren was born and raised in San Jose, California, and holds Bachelor's degrees in English and Psychology from San Jose State University. Her novel, Rowena Gets a Life, is a collection of stories from her humorous-fiction website, "Rowena's Page" She lives with her husband in Los Angeles.