Southern Humorists.com

home search help contact
 
   

 

 

 


She's From Around Here

By BobLee Swagger

... local girl makes good being bad - 1/17/2006 9:08:59 AM


 

… Everybody comes from somewhere. If a someone becomes “somebody” and their somewhere is “where you are from” it gets exciting. … A young lady, multi-decades removed from me, has leap frogged from “local pretty girl” to Internet cheesecake to a bona-fide TV screen siren. Jaime Pressley grew up in MY HOME TOWN. Both of us born and bred among the hushpuppies and tobacco fields of the same “Downeast” town. If you think that’s a hot topic for beauty parlors and back fences … YOU’RE RIGHT!

Jaime Pressley busted out in primetime this Fall. Up til then, our hometown’s most famous femme fatale was the girl that married Lee Iacocca about 20 years ago. With his first wife hardly cold in the grave, Lee, in his late 60s at the time, got himself hitched to our 30-ish “former flight attendant”. The May-December nuptials didn’t thrill Lee’s grown children.

Around town. all this gal’s old beaus expected “the tabloids” to come acalling ready to pay for juicy background. Apparently Lee’s blushing bride had not been “saving herself” for Mr. Right, Mr. Old or Mr. Rich. If she had been, THAT would have been news-worthy. As it was …. Yawn. No windfall profits for the local bon vivants hanging around the putting green at the country club … DRAT!

Alas, before you could say “iron-clad pre-nup” it was splitsville. Ol’ Lee did have a goofy grin on his face for 6-8 months after he changed the locks on his Detroit-area mega-mogul mansion.

The local community hucksters never got around to posting that city limits sign “The former Mrs Lee Iacocca was from Here.” But it’s a possibility this time around with Jaime Pressley.

It’s not a unique story but still special when it’s local. Young girl grows up in sleepy Southern town dripping with middle class values and all sorts of Mayberry similarities. (NOTE: Refer to BobLee’s all-time classic 2003 column “Pretty DownEast Wimmen”). Her first magazine cover at 13 revealed that “she had IT”. “IT” was oozing out all over her, bustin’ her buttons and straining the denim seams of her poured-in jeans.

… and the kinfolks said … Jaime you need to move away from there. Said Californee is the place you oughta be. So she loaded up the mini-van and moved to Beverlee. Hills, that is … swimming pools, movie stars, cheesy agents, casting couches and video cameras.

First thing ya know Jaime’s a B-movie vixen of international repute. Her au natural images appeared on dorm room ceilings and in those cinderblock XXX porno-palaces next to used car lots Not to mention in the erotic daydreams of the Howard Spragues of the world … and even admired in lesbian love dens where “they do” whatever it is that “they do” with each other.

Get your picture taken striding a Harley Hawg wearing stilettos, a g-string, and a smile. People are going to take notice. They will have opinions about you doing it, especially in a small town.

As you would expect, our small Southern town has a rasher of busybodies and nabobs. I am related to some doozies. Jaime did not seek my approval to do what she does. Nor did I consult her about my lurid occupation.

The Tobacco buy-out is old news. Jim Hunt’s Global TransPark scam made Jim Hunt's cronies rich but left the community poor. The beauty parlours and backfences were hungry for fodder. The Pressleys went back 3+ generations so everybody claimed to know them and/or her. Jaime was a mere nymphet when she separated from her parents at 15 and headed west. LA eats up nymphets like Orca feeding on a school of herring. Most disappear. Some, like Jaime Pressly, emerge a few years later as “screen sirens”.

A not dissimilar career path was followed by a pretty girl from North Myrtle Beach back in the 80s. She has done OK wearing evening gowns and turning letters with Pat Sajak.

Jaime’s career percolated for a few years thru B-movies and “pictorials” in Maxim, FHM, Playboy and a few of those calendars you see hanging in auto repair shops. She began doing TV including a “car crash and shoot’em up” series with Tiffany Amber-Thiessen in which she played a drug gang skank. Their obligatory “lesbian kiss” ratcheted ratings 8 points with her target demographics.

She is now riding a rocket playing “Joy”. Earl’s ex-wife on “My Name Is Earl” – the break-out comedy hit in NBC’s fall line-up. “Joy” is a “trailer park skank with a heart of polyester”. Jaime plays her in a hilarious over-the-top fashion. Guess how she developed the character of “Joy”?

Her recent appearance on Fox & Friends created quite a local stir. As millions gawked and leered she revealed that “Joy” was modeled after “the people I knew growing up back in North Carolina” … especially their odd customs like “driveway tanning with baby oil and iodine”. The hommies were divided over whether she should be more specific about her “home town” and ID the specific trailer park skanks incorporated into “Joy”.

Be Warned … the show is a tad “raw”. Not for the genteel or easily offended (kinda like this website!)

Carmen Electra was once Dennis Rodman’s arm candy. Now she is co-starring in a new movie with Steve Martin. In interviews Carmen and Jaime both project a street-savy and the rare capability of not taking themselves too seriously (Tar Heel fans take note!) despite the hubba hubba they generate by simply entering a room. Sleek Ferraris chased by dirty old men and pimply-faced punks neither of whom would know what to do with’em if they ever caught’em.

Jaime and BobLee might one day be co-Grand Marshals of the local Christmas Parade … side-by-side on a flatbed truck surrounded by runny-nosed elves and dodging incoming pea-shooters from the local miscreants. I’ll be the one with the beard. Jaime will be one with the 38-D cups.

Small Southern towns

They are SPECIAL!

© BobLee Swagger

* * * * *

BobLee Swagger is blessed with a Buddy Rolodex full of “incredibly cool sumbitches”from all over the country, a lovely long-legged tolerant “Mizzus”, a remarkable “Kid”, and a telepathic “Cat”.

Eight years ago (1998) he was handed a keyboard and modem and convinced that the fate of Western Civilization hinged on his ability to produce clever and provocative commentaries. He has been "on duty" ever since.

Read more about BobLee at Swagger Says. He always welcomes your comments and suggestions via TheGuys@SwaggerSays.com

 



Southern Humorists

- Chicken & Road 
- Writing Contest
- Naming a Hamster
- Bad Love Poems
- Boiled Peanuts
- Tipsy Chicken
- Marriage Advice
- Snake Handlin'
- Rhubarb
- Bacon Grease
- Ressel Pees
- Sassafras
- Fried Jelly Beans
- Sneaky Snake
- Snipe Huntin'
- Super Dudes
- Big Butts
- Redneck Car
- Purty Peggy
- Summer Thangs
- Tub O' Lard
- W'men or Girls
- Exclamation Mark
- Cut the Mustard
- Rooster Contest



 

Southern Humorists 
Humor Writers
  Humor Columnists
  Funny Bloggers 
Comedy Writers
 Online Support & 
Journalist Trade 
Discussion Group
Est. 2003

     Southern Humorists Trucker Hat
SoHum Merchandise


Redneck American Gothic

Dixie Dispatch


   Featured Writer at Southern Humorists

Grab a Button!.

Members' Websites
& Blogs

Frequently Asked
Questions


LIKE US 
at
Facebook

SouthernHumorists


Promote Your Page Too


 

Home · Team · Shop · Join  · Dixie Dispatch ·  Banners · Contact Us

"We Cover the Country Like Kudzu"

Copyright 2013 Southern Humorists' Enterprises
Editor - Angela Gillaspie | Editor - Sheila Moss | Consulting Editor - Ben Baker | Moderator Mark Berryman
Dixie Dispatch by Angela Gillaspie | SouthernHumorists.com by Sheila Moss | Publicity Editor - Leeuna Foster