Southern Humorists.com

home search help contact
 
   

 

 

 


Torpedo Baby

By By RhabbKnotte'

 



My wife spent 40 hours in labor with our first child. I say this as an enlightened father since I was at the delivery of both our children. Although I was merely an object which my wife cursed and berated, like the Priest in "The Exorcist". The excruciating pain of a creature trying to escape her womb caused her to attempt to cast the evil onto me with a profanity laden exorcism.

My wife endured horrors that would've made the Marquis de Sade say "Damn man, cut her some slack". She was breathing, grunting, sweating and pushing while the nurse was buffing up her biceps using the bed rails and my wife's abdomen to practice her curls. And the doctor was feverishly probing her insides with Satan's salad tongs searching for a baby or an end to this ordeal. Finally it looked like the blessed moment was upon us. And not a minute too soon.

I was giddy with excitement, my breathing was short and quick and my pulse was racing. I was waiting for the moment when I could know for sure that our daughter was healthy and safe. But it was not to be. What popped out of her womb could only be described as a featureless, cone shaped lump of flesh with 2 blow holes on top like a beluga with dual exhausts.

I looked with horror at the doctor who was as cool as a poker player. I looked at the nurse, pleading with her to make this abomination unto God go away. I looked for a hammer to end this hellish nightmare. I looked back at the nurse with an expression of "I don't know what you see, but I am looking at the freakish spawn of my wife's procreations with a submarine". An inhuman torpedo baby.

The doctor was smiling, holding the creature and told us that we have a beautiful baby girl. I thought I was trapped in an episode of the Twilight Zone. I expected to hear Rod Serling's voice explaining to the audience why our child was a flesh torpedo. My first concern was how do we feed it? My second was back to that hammer. Because whatever this is it must not be allowed to live. What if it breeds?

I glanced at my wife with a look of "Dear God, what have you done"? My fear filled the room and she could smell it. She asked if everything was alright. I wanted to scream "Hell no, evacuate the building, we can only hope to escape with our lives".

But as the nurse handed our child to my wife I noticed that the blow holes had transformed into a nose and she had ears. Her eyes were now open and she obviously had a mouth since she was screaming incessantly (I had thought that the screams were my own). I had been unprepared for what 40 hours stuck in a birth canal can do to a pliable infant. Her head was still shaped like a cone but the sock cap covered that nicely.

In the end we had a perfectly healthy daughter. But I still have nightmares. Late night visions of my wife as a submarine patrolling the oceans depths to keep our country safe. Shooting babies at Russian submarines.

Copyright RhabbKnotte'

* * * * *

Read more of RhabbKnotte's humor at www.funinfuneral.blogspot.com

 


Southern Humorists

- Chicken & Road 
- Writing Contest
- Naming a Hamster
- Bad Love Poems
- Boiled Peanuts
- Tipsy Chicken
- Marriage Advice
- Snake Handlin'
- Rhubarb
- Bacon Grease
- Ressel Pees
- Sassafras
- Fried Jelly Beans
- Sneaky Snake
- Snipe Huntin'
- Super Dudes
- Big Butts
- Redneck Car
- Purty Peggy
- Summer Thangs
- Tub O' Lard
- W'men or Girls
- Exclamation Mark
- Cut the Mustard
- Rooster Contest



 

Southern Humorists 
Humor Writers
  Humor Columnists
  Funny Bloggers 
Comedy Writers
 Online Support & 
Journalist Trade 
Discussion Group
Est. 2003

     Southern Humorists Trucker Hat
SoHum Merchandise


Redneck American Gothic

Dixie Dispatch


   Featured Writer at Southern Humorists

Grab a Button!.

Members' Websites
& Blogs

Frequently Asked
Questions


LIKE US 
at
Facebook

SouthernHumorists


Promote Your Page Too


 

Home  Team  Shop  Join   Dixie Dispatch   Banners  Contact Us

"We Cover the Country Like Kudzu"

Copyright 2013 Southern Humorists' Enterprises
Editor - Angela Gillaspie | Editor - Sheila Moss | Consulting Editor - Ben Baker | Moderator Mark Berryman
Dixie Dispatch by Angela Gillaspie | SouthernHumorists.com by Sheila Moss | Publicity Editor - Leeuna Foster