Ingredients:
1 box
of chardonnay
1 turkey
(no larger than the oven)
4 loafs
of bread (preferably stale)
1 box
of crazy straws
3 Grade A large
eggs (anything lower and you’ll get sent straight to your room –
without supper)
8 stalks
of celery
6 maids-o-milking
(strictly for the entertainment value)
1 large
yellow onion
2 teaspoons of
ground sage
2 sticks
of real butter
1 large knife
(should look lethal)
1 reserve
box-o-wine (the white kind)
salt and pepper
paprika
Open chardonnay
box per instructions. Dispense into wine glass and
garnish with crazy straw. Sample. Tell the kids, “It’s
a juice box for grown-ups.”
Position oven
rack at lowest setting and preheat oven to 325
degrees F. Sip wine.
Release turkey
from vacuumed-sealed, impact-resistant packaging. Careful with that knife. Sip
wine. Remove turkey neck and giblets and
wave them about like puppets until your spouse
tires of your “Who’s
on first?” routine.
Extend crazy straw
range with additional crazy straws. Test new connections. All leaks shall be
repaired until the straw assembly is free
of all leaks. Send kids out of the kitchen.
Find your
choppy-board thingy. Chop onion into little
onion pieces. Careful with that big knife!
Avoid touching crazy straw with those oniony hands, cause boy that’s not a
pleasant combination. Chop up the celery,
too, into smaller celeries, too. Refill
wine. Call the in-laws to come pick up the kids.
In saucepan
(did I tell you you’re going to need a saucepan,
cause you’re going to need a saucepan), in
saucepan, melt 1 stick-o-butter over medium heat. Add chopped up stuff. Refill
wine.
Break bread and
moisten with the water.
Place in the place of the large
mixing bowl. Replace empty box-o-wine with
this box I found over here’s the box I
told you to get for this recipe. Open with that knife is sharp! Get the door,
will ya?
You tell your
in-laws that you’re tired of them telling
you how to raise their children and
their cat smells funny too. Why do they always
look so mad?
Rub the
toilet seat with
this stick of butter I found and wait for
your spouse to go to the bathroom. This is going
to be really funny. Do you smell something?
Remove burning
saucepan from stove and swat
smoke alarm with THIS THING IS HOT! You
were gonna have that sofa cleaned with a slip
cover anyway I found a bigger cup so we
don’t have to mess with that silly glass thingy
no more. Who left this turkey in the sink?
And that, my
friends, is how you make snowshoes out of
empty wine boxes. Be sure to tune in next time when my spouse says, “Those
maids don’t need any of your
help?”
Rick
Rantamaki is a humor writer from Georgia who works in the field of Information
Technology. You can read more of his writings in his blog, 
