Southern Humorists - Humor Columns by Alice Masci

Experts tell us that when you give a child a consequence for their actions be CERTAIN that you can follow through with what you are telling them. For example, if you tell your child that they don't get to drive the car for the next two weeks because they came home after 2am instead of their curfew of 10pm then you need to follow through and not give Bubba the car keys. Most parents would nod their heads in agreement and feel like this is a rational thing to do.

The thing is, when we are in the heat of an argument with our kids, all rationality goes out the door. We give consequences that there is absolutely no follow through for. If we did them, we'd be arrested.
For example:

"That is it! I have had it up to here! (Imagine Mother with very red face making line with hand over her head). One more word out of any of you and I'm selling you ALL on Ebay for 50 cents apiece!!"

They are not worried. I tried to sell the cat on Ebay for 50 cents once and only got a question from a possible buyer asking if he'd ever done Nine Lives commercials. He had not.

Or another "consequence": "Don't you EVER do that again or you'll be grounded for the next TEN YEARS!!"

You and I both know that would be more of a punishment to the parent then it would the kid. Now you're both in confinement and you only have your retirement days to look forward to.

Or this one while driving in a very loaded van with very noisy children. You use this line to gain control: "That's it! EVERYBODY STOP DOING WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE DOING!"

Three kids pass out as they stop breathing.

Or how about this one: "Make that face again mister and I'll smack you into next week!"

How do you smack someone into next week? And how strange would that be if you could?

"Where's Matthew?"

"I'm not sure, Momma smacked him into next week, so he's probably somewhere around Tuesday by now."

If we could we'd smack OURSELVES into next week just to have a mini vacation!

The other strange things parents say in the heat of the moment are: "Don't eat with your mouth full!" or "Don't look at me with that tone of voice!"

The thing is it's proven that after having kids you loose brain cells. After dealing with all the things kids give you to deal with, you definitely loose more.

So, the experts of course have their point. Give a consequence that you are CERTAIN you can follow through on is what they say.

I'm just trying to figure out if any of the experts have children.

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Alice is a 42 year old stay-at-home Mom who lives near Atlanta, Georgia. She and her husband Richard have a blended family with 5 boys. She has two books published by Publish America.

You can read more of her work at her website: www.freewebs.com/momstimeout.