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Southern Humorists: Humor Writers, Humor Columnists, Comedy Writers, Online Support & Trade Discussion Group. 
Est. 2003


 

 


 

Southern Humorists.com

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Merry Chris'mus, y'all!

Reopening Negotiations With the North  - One Laugh at a Time

 

 

 

 


Who are the Southern Humorists?

We are Southern writers with a strong sense of regional heritage who laugh at our own shortcomings and make diversity into an asset. We are proud of our turnip greens, cornbread and rural past, but recognize football, country music, and car racing as activities of a new South.

We would also like to go on record as the humorist group with the most couches on the front porch and the greatest number of junk cars rusting in the backyard.

We welcome any Southern humorist, comedy author, funny writer, or cartoonist  who creates humor of any sort, or aspires to do so, to join our newsgroup and become a part of the comedy organization that sponsors our official Southern Humorists website. 

We welcome true southerners, former southerners, transplanted southerners - and even danged Yankees, as long as you know that you will be the one who talks with a funny accent and that you're treading on our sacred Southern soil here.

 

Let it Snow

By Susan Reinhardt 

I’m a snow freak. When the forecast shows those flakes on the radar or warnings uttered from some meteorologist’s mouth, I get as excited as a child on Christmas Eve.

Snow is my Santa, the white world that falls and makes winter gorgeous, like a gift in the jolly man’s bag.

But here’s the deal, snow forecasts for those who adore white worlds, are often like blind dates.

 

Christmas is upon us and I haven’t shot a squirrel yet

By Tracy Farr

Let me be the first to announce there are only 38 more shopping days left before Christmas. Thirty-eight wonderful days to make sure everybody on your list gets exactly what they deserve. And do I plan to take advantage of it? Do I plan to do my shopping early? Heaven forbid! I don’t even know why I brought up the subject.

The differences between men and women are never more obvious than when it comes to Christmas shopping. Women want to look, compare, study, analyze, feel, smell, poke, prod and ask questions about each and every item they think they might buy before they buy it. That’s why 38 shopping days are never enough time for a woman.

In the Land of Aunt Jemima

By Ike Martin

“Deep Fried Tofu” - my eyes studied the menu as my brain went into hyper-drive trying to comprehend what those words in that particular sequence meant. Even for a Southerner who is familiar with “deep-fried everything” from “Twinkies” to “Snickers bars”, deep fried tofu had to be the ultimate. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that the Tofu Institute of the World was making arrangements at this moment to fly into the South and confiscate all tofu in the region. I’m sure that the health conscious Northern carpetbaggers who migrated south never intended for one of the bastions of health food to be deep fried and then covered with a vinegar-based barbeque sauce. They had probably read in Time Magazine that we were an over-weight, lard-gifted, pack of swine gobbling rednecks. They probably were only trying to make us more health-conscious as they trekked across the Mason-Dixon Line, bearing tofu, seaweed and turkey sausage. 

It’s Gonna Be a Merry Christmas

By Brenda C. Birmelin

Three years of dating my husband before I married him didn’t prepare me for his Bah Humbug! attitude toward the Yuletide season. The wonderful man I loved had turned into Ebenezer Scrooge’s evil twin brother.

Daily I heard complaints. “The lights are too tangled. We’ll never get them sorted. Why do we have to buy so many gifts, what are they going to give us? Why do you have to bake so much? The grocery store bill is going to kill me. Why do we have to take mittens, socks and teddy bears to church? “

A Christmas Story.....Again

By Steve Sites

Well, it's almost that time of the year again. The time that comes with joy, happiness and nostalgia that you normally only feel when a family shares the event together. Yeah, Christmas too, but i mean time
we get to indulge in enormous portions of that now classic movie, A Christmas Story.

The movie, which features the unforgettable little Ralphie and the rest of the Parker family, first ran in 1983, making this year the 25th anniversary of the movie many of us grew up with. My generation's, It's A Wonderful Life, I guess it could be called.

 

Christmas Un-decorated

By Wanda M. Argersinger 

We are not The Waltons. Nor are we The Cleavers. We do not resemble any family ever seen in one of Norman Rockwell’s paintings. Our family is more The Griswalds meet Martha Stewart wannabes. Oh, we have high hopes ever year when the holidays roll around, but somewhere between the pictures in my mind and the pictures that make it into the camera, things begin to go wrong. Take the four tree Christmas as the perfect example of high hopes meet stark reality. 

 


It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas...
Soooooner Eeeeevery Yeeeeeear

By Cheryl Lee

As a child and a teenager, the winter hollydays were my favorite time of year. Family gatherings at Thanksgiving wound into counting the days til the fat man was expected to deliver a bountiful harvest of Barbie dolls and cowgirl boots (and later stereos and Jordaches) under the tree. Living in the Deep South, I longed for JUST ONE white Christmas. 

 

The Safety Nut

By S.D. Youngren


Christmas merrier when it's safe

Every holiday has its hazards, though this Christmas season has been a relatively uneventful one in Louden Flat. Most of the accidents we've had have been the expected kind, such as falling off ladders and getting scratched by holly, both of which mishaps I warned you about in previous columns. There are, of course, a few exceptions: 

* A 47-year-old woman was slightly injured in a family dispute over cranberry sauce. “I wanted jellied and he wanted whole-berry,” explained Candy Yams. “I hate whole-berry.” 

The Concert

By George Motz

This may come as a shock, but I do love to sing. This love of singing is both a blessing and a curse. This year, on December 7, I will once more be invited to sing in a concert as part of larger choir, 59 members this year, at a local church. As near as I can figure, 13 churches will be represented.

And then there is me! I am the only one who does not sing in a church choir, and when asked every year, I tell them that I am a member of the Reformed Druid Church. For the uninformed, the Druids worshiped oak trees, we, the Reformed, we worship plywood.

 

Letter to Santa...

By Cathy Gregor

IDear Mr. Santa,
 
My name is Cathy Gregor and I suppose you know where I live by now, if not - just "Google" it on your computer. 

I have been very good this year; at least I think so with what I can remember. What I don't remember "doesn't count" because then I was with Rose and Fred and they always lead me into temptation at parties ---- so that really doesn't count, or does it?

The Gift Card

By Sheila Moss

 

Congratulations! You are the recipient of American's most wanted gift, the gift card. The gift card can be exchanged for many useful and necessary items. Cash is not one of them.

Please read the following instructions to learn how to use your new gift card.

Gift cards come with a number of different designs on the front. Ignore the picture; it is the amount that the card will purchase that matters, and they are all spent exactly the same way. You can tell how much the balance is on the card by calling the phone number conveniently located on the back of the card and entering the secret identification number, also on the back of the card.

 

Rebel With A Claus

By Alice Masci

 


My husband and I have the same argument every Christmas. My husband hates telling the kids there's a Santa Claus, while I on the other hand enjoy it. We both agree the real story of Christmas and Jesus' birth is the one that should get our greatest attention, so I just have fun with it. One of our 12 year olds thinks he is totally convinced there is no Santa, until I start telling him my observations.

 

 

 

 

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