Southern Humorists - Columns by Cathy Gregor

My name is Cathy Gregor and I suppose you know where I live by now, if not - just "Google" it on your computer.

I have been very good this year; at least I think so with what I can remember. What I don't remember "doesn't count" because then I was with Rose and Fred and they always lead me into temptation at parties ---- so that really doesn't count, or does it?

Well, if it does count I just might be in a smidgen of trouble, however, you have to give me extra points for always helping others and tiding. By the way, how many points does that get me for this year anyway?

Santa, if this works like points earned on my Visa Card - I reach so many points that I can then "cash" them in for whatever I want (that they offer of course) so maybe you can bring me my special Christmas wish.

You see, Santa, they offer gift cards for Best Buy, Home Depot, etc. and a few restaurants as well, however, I have searched all the stores for what I really, really want and need but none of them carry it.

So listen here Santa buddy, if you would work with me this year.....I would be one very happy camper.

By the way Santa, I am the one that always leaves you milk and "rum" balls every year and those few rum balls contain a big bottle of rum and for you (which I should remind you) I spare no expense at the liquor store. None of that cheap stuff goes into your rum balls. I spend top dollar for the best rum the liquor store carries and I always get the biggest bottle.

I also worried about you driving your sled after eating that huge plate of goodies, but then again who would ever pull you over for driving "under the influence" if you know what I mean!!! Actually, if you think about it that would be hysterical,

COP -- JUDGE: I arrested this man when he fell off the roof while trying to climb down a chimney on Riverbend Road in Allentown. He had no excuse for being on the roof.

SANTA --- But Judge, your Honor, I had to deliver the presents to the idiot that lives in that house.

SANTA -- My name is Jim Carey and I am doing a movie about Christmas so I decided to act out the part and......

JUDGE -- You certainly do not look like Jim Carey and your blood alcohol level was 3.75 sir, and the state level is .08 percent. What do you have to say about that sir?

SANTA -- Judge, your honor, I am really Santa Clause and this warped woman left me 25 rum balls and a glass of milk. You see Judge, I WASN'T falling off the roof trying to get down the chimney, I FELL OFF THE ROOF TRYING TO GET BACK TO MY SLED!!!!

JUDGE -- You must be Santa to eat 25 rum balls and still be able to walk. I order this case dismissed. By the way Santa, did you ever get the recipe along with the rum balls?

SANTA -- No your Honor, I have tried for 60 years and she just won't give it up.

Now that would make an awesome movie for Christmas.....wouldn't it Santa?

STOP, we got off the whole purpose of my letter to you Santa. I will just start over with my wish list for you to give me.

Dear Santa, I want a stun gun or a cattle prod for Christmas. You see, I need this desperately because at times that would help me out a lot and I wouldn't have to lock up my guns and ammo and then feel "helpless".

Santa, a stun gun could work wonders. However, I would like one if it exists to turn down or up the frequency with it. I have to say I don't know anything about them, but 'GOLLY GEE' that would be a great thing to have.

Personally, I don't know the difference between a cattle prod or a stun gun. Actually, if I have enough points maybe you can get me one of each for me to experiment with. I have the perfect target to try it on.

Cathy Gregor is a wanna be writer who resides in Pennsylvania with her cave man and cats. No picture available since she is in the "Whisker Protection Program". Smuggling catnip into the country does not pay and when caught she turned federal witness for the Pussycution. To help with her rehabilitation she has a website www.sexandthekitty.com and is a proud member of www.southernhumorists.com.