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Dear Mr. Santa,
My name is Cathy Gregor and I suppose you know where
I live by now, if not - just "Google" it on your
computer.
I have been very good this year; at least I think so
with what I can remember. What I don't remember "doesn't
count" because then I was with Rose and Fred and they always lead me into
temptation at parties ---- so that really doesn't count, or does it?
Well, if it does count I just might be in a smidgen
of trouble, however, you have to give me extra points for always helping
others and tiding. By the way, how many points does that get me for this
year anyway?
Santa, if this works like points earned on my Visa
Card - I reach so many points that I can then "cash"
them in for whatever I want (that they offer of course) so maybe you can
bring me my special Christmas wish.
You see, Santa, they offer gift cards for Best Buy,
Home Depot, etc. and a few restaurants as well, however, I have searched all
the stores for what I really, really want and need but none of them carry it.
So listen here Santa buddy, if you would work with me
this year.....I would be one very happy camper.
By the way Santa, I am the one that always
leaves you milk and "rum" balls every year and those few rum balls
contain a big bottle of rum and for you (which I should remind you) I spare no
expense at the liquor store. None of that cheap stuff goes into your rum
balls. I spend top dollar for the best rum the liquor store carries and
I always get the biggest bottle.
I also worried about you driving your sled after
eating that huge plate of goodies, but then again who would ever pull you over
for driving "under the influence" if you know what I mean!!!
Actually, if you think about it that would be hysterical,
It just might go like this:
COP -- JUDGE: I arrested this man when he fell off the roof while trying
to climb down a chimney on Riverbend Road in Allentown. He had no excuse
for being on the roof.
SANTA --- But Judge, your Honor, I had to deliver the presents to the idiot
that lives in that house.
JUDGE --- What is your name?
SANTA -- My name is Jim Carey and I am doing a movie about Christmas so I
decided to act out the part and......
JUDGE -- You certainly do not look like Jim Carey and your blood alcohol level
was 3.75 sir, and the state level is .08 percent. What do you have
to say about that sir?
SANTA -- Judge, your honor, I am really Santa Clause and this warped woman
left me 25 rum balls and a glass of milk. You see Judge, I
WASN'T falling off the roof trying to get down the chimney, I FELL OFF
THE ROOF TRYING TO GET BACK TO MY SLED!!!!
JUDGE -- You must be Santa to eat 25 rum balls and still be able to walk.
I order this case dismissed. By the way Santa, did you ever get the
recipe along with the rum balls?
SANTA -- No your Honor, I have tried for 60 years and she just won't give it
up.
Now that would make an awesome movie for Christmas.....wouldn't it Santa?
STOP, we got off the whole purpose of my letter to
you Santa. I will just start over with my wish list for you to give me.
Santa, I want more toys for my cats, on second
thought, screw the cats.
Dear Santa, I want a stun gun or a cattle prod for
Christmas. You see, I need this desperately because at times that would
help me out a lot and I wouldn't have to lock up my guns and ammo and then
feel "helpless".
Santa, a stun gun could work wonders. However, I would like one if it
exists to turn down or up the frequency with it. I have to say I don't
know anything about them, but 'GOLLY GEE' that would be a great thing to have.
Personally, I don't know the difference between a cattle prod or a stun gun.
Actually, if I have enough points maybe you can get me one of each for me to
experiment with. I have the perfect target to try it on.
THANK YOU SANTA.
* * * * *
Cathy Gregor is a wanna be writer who resides in Pennsylvania with her cave
man and cats. No picture available since she is in the "Whisker
Protection Program". Smuggling catnip into the country does not pay
and when caught she turned federal witness for the Pussycution. To help with her
rehabilitation she has a website www.sexandthekitty.com and
is a proud member of www.southernhumorists.com.
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