Gertie Briefs Us on Big Butts
Hey y'all! When I was waiting on my turn
for some allergy pills down at the doctor's office last week, I saw
something interesting on that little television mounted on the wall.
A well-tanned feller told a story about this big-butt celebrity,
Jennifer Lopez, and how women (and men!) are flocking to their
collective plastic surgeons to get butt implants.
Now this really got my attention. Folks
want bigger butts? Daggum! What a great topic to jaw about with
y'all! Here's what some of y'all asked:
Dear Ruby Pearl, sadly, I've noticed that
thongs don't come in X-large sizes. I'll bet the reason behind this
is that a bunch of Northern fellers are designing those thongs. Get
a Southern boy in that Thong Design Room and you'll get a thong to
fit the roundest and prettiest rump. As far as enhancing your thong
experience, a tattoo could give your rear end a real boost. Since
tattoos are permanent, you should probably go for those temporary
tattoos or those nice stick-on thingies you can get five for a
dollar down at the Dollar General Store.
I've been looking at the Sears Roebuck catalog. Did you know thongs
come in small, medium, and large, but no XX large. Why is that? I
dug out my old two piece bathing suit and tried it on and do you
know what? It's a thong now! I'm in style. Panama City here I come.
See, it pays to save those outgrown clothes. My husband said I would
never wear that again. He's in for a surprise. Do you think a tattoo
would enhance my thong? Can I use one of those washable stick-ons?
What should I get? Any suggestions?
What to place on your plump posterior? Here
are my top choices:
- A big black #3 (in honor of Dale
- Dale Earnhardt Sr's autograph
- "NASCAR" banner
- "Lynyrd Skynyrd"
- "Braves #1!"
- "See Rock City"
- "Pork Fat Rules"
My husband, Ernie, told me last month that I needed to get some
color to my White Lilly body. So, I started going down to Donna's
House of Hairdos, Nails, and Tans to lay in one of those sun tanning
beds. Well, since I have been blessed with my Mama's big butt, there
are certain areas of my backside that the tanning bed can't seem to
get to. Ernie laughed at me and said that it looks stupid in the new
thong that he loves for me to wear. How can I get that part of my
Dear Lula, I know what you mean. The
creases near my armpits and the crease where my rear meets my thighs
is several shades lighter than the rest of my tan. What to do? Since
it sounds like you have a tanning bed and not a tanning room, try
using some duct tape to hold the top part of your butt up so that
the tanning rays can get to those sweet little creases at the top of
your thighs. If you don't have any duct tape, then when you go to
lie down, slide down a bit on the glass so that the white part of
your butt is exposed. Don't forget to use sunscreen - having
sunburned butt crease really hurts.
Dear Gravel Gertie,
Frank has been watching the television and
he said he liked Jennifer Lopez's butt. He said my butt ain't big
enough. How much does them butt implants cost?
Dear Gisela, butt implants ain't cheap.
They start somewhere in the area of $4000 to $8000, and topping off
at $10,000 to $14,000 (especially if you ask for the "Chaka
Khan Special"). My cousin Brenda Sue saved up all her tips down
at the beauty parlor and got butt implants. She couldn't sit on her
bruised fanny for almost a month; she said she had to learn to pee
like a man.
Now Brenda Sue's pain's all gone, but when
she sits, she said it feels like she's sittin' on two bowling balls.
She swears up and down that one butt cheek is higher than the other
- I can't tell myself, she's always had a peculiar body build
anyways. Harvey (her hubby) likes her new larger butt though. He
thinks it's really neat how she can open beer bottles between her
well-rounded cheeks and bounce quarters off of her behind.
Dear Gravel Gertie,
If it's true that big butts are in fashion
now, can I wear my pink nylon stretch pants without shame when I
shop at K-mart?
Dear Fawn, you just let it all hang out,
girlfriend. Wear your pink pants proudly. All the other shoppers
will see your big ol' butt bouncin' down the aisle and they'll be
green with envy.
Dear Gravel Gert,
What do men *really* like? Big butts or
Dear Katy, this could be a regional thang.
This ain't a scientific study, but I polled a bunch of the fellers
that hang out down at the mercantile on Sundays and 90% of them said
that they like women with, "Something soft and big to
grab." Next, I went on the Internet and polled fellers from the
northern parts of the US of A and only about 30% of them liked women
with plentiful posteriors. I reckon Southern boys grew up with
Momma's big butt, and so that's what they end up liking when they
choose a sweetie.
How big is too big?
Dear Jana, that's a really subjective question. Now take these fine
ladies here to the right. Their collective cabooses are a wee bit on
the "too big" side. But, I guess a good rule of thumb
would be if your butt drags tracks behind ya or if the rocking chair
doesn't stay on the floor when you get up, then you might have a
butt that's too big.
All of the women in the Junior League in my
prestigious town are getting butt implants. I want to have a bigger
rounder butt just like they do, but I just don't have the money.
What can I do?
Dear Anonymous, shoot far, child, I have a
cheap and easy solution for you! Substitute buttermilk for sweet
milk, munch on pork rinds instead of fruit, don't exercise, and make
sure you add bacon grease to all your dishes. The bad news: your
belly, thighs, chin(s) and those flaps under your arms will get
bigger. The good news: your boobs'll get bigger.
You should just go and buy some padded
bloomers like they have at those fancy underwear stores like
Frederick's of Hollywood or Plus Size Outlet. That way you can take
off your derriere when the flat/skinny butts come back in style.
Dear Gravel Gertie,
I have a buffalo butt - how can I get it
Brenda, unfortunately you can't easily get the fat off your butt.
You must exercise and eat right. The way I keep my girlish figger is
by gardening, chasing pigs, bouncing on my tractor bush hoggin' the
fields, and eating right - cornbread, collards, and pintos. Here's a
secret: passin' gas is a great calorie burner. That's why men don't
have big butts like women do cuz men ain't afraid of tootin' their
Dear Gravel Gertie-
I am in a bit of a quandary. I have been
plagued by a big butt my whole life. I endured the cruelty of my
classmates in school who called me things like "lard
butt", "super bum", "extreme fart machine"
and "wide load." The principal of my school made me attach
red warning flags to my butt and wear a hat that said "Wide
Load" on the front and back when ever I walked the corridors of
the school. The worst birthday present I ever got was training
wheels that attached to my butt to help move it along as I made my
way down the street. In college I was dubbed "Lady Broad
Bottom" after my expanding posterior blocked the entire stage
at the Shakespeare Festival. The one bright spot of having a huge
butt was when I got an 'A' for my Earth Science project when I
successfully created an eclipse of the sun with the rotund seat of
my pants. But it wasn't until I was called "Volkswagen
Ass" that I decided to do something about this. I tried
dieting, wearing dark colors and even keeping everyone in the world
in front of me so no one would see my monstrous behind. But nothing
I did helped. I even went so far as to join a 12-step program to try
and overcome my large butt but I couldn't get my ass through the
doorway to even get to the first step never mind escalate all 12. I
was on my way to the Big Butt Clinic where I was going to sign up to
be a butt material donor for those who felt their butts could use
more padding when I spied a sign in the book store window
advertising a book that was guaranteed to make the reader
"laugh their ass off." I wedged my butt through the door
of the bookstore and bought the book. I had nothing to lose but some
poundage and lineage from my rear end.
I was sure the more of that book I read the smaller my butt would
become. After reading the book at least a dozen times I soon
realized that I still had the same amount of gargantuan gluteus as I
always had. My question for you is this: can I sue the author of
this book and the bookstore for false advertising?
I hope you have an answer-
Bertha Butt-Cracks Daily
Dear Bertha, you could probably sue the
author for cruel and unusual punishment - especially if this book
was a collection of humor stories about classifying the order and
phylum of insects found on cows. Sure, it was funny after a quart or
two of Mad Dog 20-20, but not now and never later.
The author definitely advertised falsely
and he needs to know how you've suffered. What can you do?
- Take lots of pictures of your butt and
send them to the author of the book.
- Start a web page with pictures of your
butt and post the author's address where your angry visitors can
send him email or snail mail. Public outrage should provide the
salve for your burdened soul, hon.
- Write your congressman and enclose
pictures of your butt. He probably won't do anything, but at
least you can brag to Margie down at the beauty parlor that you
wrote your congressman.
- Make flyers with your sad story,
pictures of your butt, and the author's address and then put
them on cars parked outside of Weight Watcher's, Jenny Craig,
Overeater's Anonymous, and Wal-Mart.
- Write your own tell all book (with
pictures of your butt).
I hope these tips help.
Dear Gravel Gertie,
All my friends are getting butt implants
but my butt is already like a bubble. I want to be part of the
in-crowd, so what can I do?
Dear Jiggly, stand up straight, poke that
round hind end out, and be proud! Take a good long look at what God
gave ya, sugar. You're now HOT! Pull on your middy top and your snug
seafoam green polyester petal pushers and shop at Piggly Wiggly with
pride. Everyone one will stare at you with envy ... er sumthin.
Dear Gravel Gertie,
Where can I order these butts?
Dear JB, I surfed around and found a web
site that said, "This article introduces Dr. Roberts' technique
for creating more beautiful buttocks by a combination of adding
fullness to flatter areas by Microfat Grafting, and sculpting of the
adjacent areas by Liposuction to create a very feminine inward sweep
of the lower back, hips, and waist, which emphasizes the new
fullness of the buttocks." Click here for more. I got kinda
scared cuz as soon as you click on this web site, two butts greet
you. ::::shudder::::: It brings back memories of the last
I just wanted to know is there some kind of
hormonal injection or some kind of oral pill to take to enlarge your
buttocks without having surgery? When you get this email will you
contact me with the answer as soon as possible. I'm dying to know
the answer. I have heard people say that's what alot of strippers do
they get some type of shot in the butt to enlarge it, but I'm not
sure how true this is If you know anything about it let me know.
Dear TK, well, I don't rightly know. I read
that some doctors offer a fat injection, where the doctor injects
fat into your butt. I wonder if bacon grease would work? You know,
you might could get one of those breast enhancing kits and use it on
Gertie, how can I get a bigger butt without
getting butt implants or eating unhealthy and getting everything
else fat in the process?
Dear Dianna, I reckon you'd have to do butt
exercises to increase the ol' gluteus maximum. Try these:
- Sit on the floor with your knees drawn
up to your chin. Walk on your butt around the house.
- Put a pencil between yer cheeks, scrunch
up your butt cheeks, count to 20, then release. Repeat 10 more
- Get a butt massage. Hey, it may not
work, but it sure would feel good!
You have been boasting or bemoaning how big your butt is, however we
really cannot tell from your pics. How about a pose in full briefs
just to prove to the world that you belong to a class of your own in
delightful derierre divas!
Good luck and regards, Martin
Poor Martin, I tried to get a close up
picture for you ... I pulled on my Buicks, set up the camera, smiled
real purty but all I could get was part of my hiney. It seems my
wide angle lens ain't wide enough. I'll keep trying. ;-)
Did you take those pictures of the
"fine ladies" on the butt page? I have never seen any butt
that big! How do they go to the john, I wonder. If you have more of
those pictures of the ladies with the big butts could you send them
p.s. bum is my favorite word
Dear Bum, nope I didn't take that picture.
Hearing that I was researchin' butts, a friend of a friend sent that
picture to me. How do they go potty? I reckon they have their own
custom-made toilets. Unfortunately I don't have any more pictures of
them, maybe you could visit Jesse Jackson's web site and look there.
PS I could tell.