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As the unofficial political correspondent for this newspaper, I have moved my
base of operations, or Citizen Central as I like to call it, from not being at
the Democratic National Convention to not being at the Republican National
Convention.
I would have been at the Republican National Convention if not for the fact
someone had to stay in Royston and closely monitor Hurricane Gustov, Hannah, Ike
and Tina. Had any of these dangerous storms or R&B acts turned sharply to
the right, broken every law of meteorological physics and maintained hurricane
status 500 miles inland, Royston would have been right in their path.
While the original Ike Turner has headed for Rock and Roll Heaven, that fact
hasn’t stopped Tina from hiring an Ike-a-like to sing her former partner’s
parts.
But this isn’t a column about hurricanes or reconstituted 70s singers. This
is a column about the Republican Convention.
The big news actually came a few days prior to the convention when John
McCain announced his vice presidential nominee would be Bristol Palin, a 17 year
old high school student from Alaska.
The nominee wasn’t really Bristol. It was her mother, Sarah Palin, a hockey
mom and member of the PTA. Palin also happens to be a former city council
member, mayor and currently holds a job as governor of Alaska.
For days mainstream media spent much more time discussing Bristol, who is
pregnant, than the mother. During countless hours of wasted airtime not one of
the major media outlets answered the question most on the minds of
America.
To date, there is still no indication whether or not Bristol was named after
the legendary NASCAR short track in Tennessee.
In her acceptance speech, Palin said she was anticipating a tough race for
the White House and looked forward to body-checking Joe Biden off the stage
during the vice-presdidential debates.
Palin, a former high school basketball star, then challenged Democratic
Presidential Nominee Barrack Obama to a game of H.O.R.S.E. on the basketball
court.
To conclude her speech to the Republican crowd, the Alaska governor
demonstrated the method to properly field dress a moose.
The finale for the convention featured John McCain taking center stage. In
fact the stage was redesigned overnight to add a runway stretching into the
crowd.
The reason for the elongated stage became crystal clear when McCain, in an
attempt to prove his age was not an issue, ran (“ran” being used liberally)
down the runway, performed a stage dive into a throng of delegates from Ohio and
crowdsurfed across the arena and back while singing the Bruce Springsteen song
“Born in the U.S.A.” Maverick McCain immediately followed “U.S.A.” with
Toby Keith’s anthem “Angry American”.
McCain was eventually returned to the stage once every delegate was allowed
to touch him during the crowd surf. Once back on his feet, McCain strode to the
podium, took a swig of Geritol, looked at his watch and stated, “It’s way
past my bedtime. Good night, America, and God bless.”
The convention ended with a special midnight viewing of the movie “Grumpy
Old Men” on the mega-screen.
Copyright 2008 Mark Berryman
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more at www.markberryman.com
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