In January my husband and I celebrated our wedding anniversary. As we drove around on a Friday night looking for a restaurant without an hour and a half
wait, my blood sugar dropped dramatically, and romance faded, and we began bickering, mostly because he kept instructing me to
turn in right there. There being a place I just passed, requiring me to slam on the brakes, cross
three lanes of oncoming traffic, and dodge a stray dog.
In the middle of this date of driving in search of
sustenance, my husband turned to me, trying to lighten the mood and said,
"I guess you're about ready to divorce me right now." To which I icily
replied, "No, I intend for you to suffer right along with me for the next fifty
years, if that's what it takes."
A bitter disposition, and possible hypoglycemia, induced a hypnotic state in which I blocked out my husband's voice and started
thinking of the kind of advice I would give to other married people (newly-or not so newly-weds), like
make a dinner reservation for your anniversary. My advice does not include time honored or warm fuzzy tidbits like never go to
bed angry (It's impossible), you marry your in-laws (living in the south, this has connotations I
don't even want to address), or you are about to enter the best part of your life
(if you like rip-shod rickety roller coasters that threaten to throw you mercilessly to the pavement while you scream with
delight).
So, this is it, such as it is:
1) Never perform any household chore within the first three years of marriage that you do not wish to do until death do
you part. And by all means never execute it well. And never do it as a favor.
Early in our marriage I was excellent at finding all my husband's lost belongings. Now I am his personal
psychic hotline for everything from where he left his wallet to the name of that guy who wears a blue jacket.
2) If your spouse violates rule #1 and helps you
with one of your chores, never, ever criticize how well it is done. Just smile and say,
"Thank you, dear," and fix it when he isn't looking. Criticism will cause your betrothed
to recoil from ever attempting to tile the entire bathroom or make curry salad for dinner again. Sure, you might not want your
spouse to repeat these particular projects ever, ever again, but don't count him out for eventually
getting something right.
3) Try to overlook your
husband/wife's annoying idiosyncrasies. Fighting them is a losing battle and you did promise for
better or for, God forbid, worse. When my husband leaves all of the kitchen cabinets open, I say nothing and
go upstairs and shave my legs with his razor. It relieves my tension.
4) Never buy anything that must be hidden from your
beloved when you get it home. You might get away with it for the first few years, but eventually
even the slowest people catch on. Trust me, she just won't believe that shiny new truck under the camouflage tarp is the same one
you left home in that morning.
5) Above all, when life starts moving so fast you begin to feel like you're barely keeping your nose above water no matter how
hard you paddle, grab your spouse's hand. (This is not for the purpose of pulling him down with you!)
Look at him and say, "I love you. I'm glad I married you. You are my soul
mate." It's amazing what those words can overcome (like not having dinner
reservations for your anniversary).
Copyright 2008 Lucy Adams
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Lucy
Adams is a syndicated columnist, author of If Mama Dont Laugh, It Aint
Funny, wife of fifteen years, mother of four, and 2nd grade
teacher. In addition, Lucy maintains a blog, two web sites (www.lucyadamsonline.com
and www.ifmama.com),
and a regular e-newsletter. Lucy earned a B.S.Ed. from the
University of Georgia , an M.S. in psychology from Augusta State University ,
and a Graduate Certificate of Gerontology from the University of Georgia .
Lucys hobby is talking about getting organized. Of
course, she never does, because then she would have to find a new hobby, and we
all know thats just too much work.
